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"You're a wimp"

My regular TKD school is on break. I talked about the Grandmaster's class ... Master Pak's.

I went on Monday. it was not as bad as it was in December. I think I could survive his class(es), were I to be a regular at them. It reminds me of how i was in pain when I first started TKD, but my body grew to meet the challenge.

Tonight was another opportunity to go. I hemmed and hawed over it. Back and forth, my mental chatter went. Finally i just said to myself: I'll FRICKIN GO, but i'll first take care of other business. And I left work a bit early; sent the prints to walmart for printing; got home, and took a little breather...

and realized that in my obsession with my wimpiness/non-wimpiness, i'd forgotten that I'd skipped out on chores on Monday in order to go to class. That I hadn't done my bills yet. So, i started working on those. Then, Noumouas called, and invited me for dinner. I realized.. i was emotionally weary and dead, and I really needed some recharging time. I spent time with Noumouas.. it was really nice, to just be around her and let myself be down.. and then i perked up a bit, and joined some friends to see the Incredibles at the dollar theater.

and it was a frickin' awesome movie. I'm so glad I went. Exactly what I needed.

Stepping back from this whole drama in my head.. here's what I'm realizing:

1. There's a voice from my past, that says: "You're a WIMP."
2. I used to spend a lot of time agreeing with it. That started to change as I entered TKD.
3. The voice is still there; it's just upped the ante. I've achieved personal non-wimp status in my regular school, now the voice is choosing to compare me to Master Pak's school. I even caught it saying something like: "You're a wimp unless you can go to 3 of his classes in a row." I mentioned this to a friend who'd worked out with him before. She looked at me funny, and said: "You're CRAZY. Not even black belts do that".
4. The question becomes: What do I want out of this? Am I doing this to prove the voice wrong? Guess what, the voice will always be there -- whatever I achieve, I will always be not-enough for my voice. Am I doing it to impress other people? Which other people? At what expense of time and resources? Where does this fit in my priorities? What are my priorities?

Martial Artists are an interesting bunch. The more I hang out around them, on one hand -- i'm impressed. They don't spend a lot of time thinking; instead, they spend time doing. On the other hand, they remind me of religious fundamentalists. There's more to life than working out, folks. There's also compassion, creativity, and love of people. While I admire their goals of knowing exactly what their body is capable of... I cannot honestly subscribe to that same goal, at the same intensity level that they seek.


What are my desires?

Level 1:
- a feeling of gracefulness.
- pride in my body.
- feeling of being fit
- Boundary: No Chin Jiggle.
- Boundary: Bend down and pick light stuff up on floor without bending knees.
- Boundary: Can jog with no man-bra.

These are the things that if i am not on track for getting them.. there's a huge icky feeling inside, and I am internally motivated to change what I'm doing to make things happen.

Level 2:
- size 36 pants.
- no floppy belly or pectorals. Can remove shirt with mostly-confidence in public.

I'm willing to pursue courses of action to make these happen, but they're not dire necessities. Mostly, vanities.

How much a week does this warrant? 20 hrs a week? No, not unless I'm unemployed. Even then, probably not. During regular school, i spend about 8 hrs a week on it. That seems to be about right for me; more would be unbalanced; less would feel frustrating.

Regarding Master Pak's classes -- Its not acceptable to me to run away from them from some fear of working out too hard. This means.. i need/want to make time to go to them. I have 3 opportunities left :- next week Monday, Wednesday, Friday. So.. yeah. I'll at least make one of them. If I can, i'll make 2 or 3. But not at the expense of other stuff. Its not like I'm on spring break like the fricking rest of the world seems to be. I'm sad I missed today's, yet at the same time, its good I didn't go -- if I had gone, would have been irresponsible to the rest of my life.

There are other phrases that run through my head as well. I made a list of some of them.. with all of these, i have that "agree"/"fight against" duality going on at times, and my striving is to find balance with them :-
1. "You're a wimp!" (discussed above)
2. "Money is for Spending!" (ouch. This gets me in trouble pretty quickly too)
3. "You don't have enough to eat"
4. "You will never ever be good enough for anybody"
5. "Your sexuality is despicable, horrible, tainted."
6. "You're irresponsible."
7. "You use people."

According to recovery work, these are the things that I get to turn over to my higher power and release, and see what happens. Imagine the possibility of not being lorded over by these voices.. finding balance in all these areas. I can imagine it. Its nice. :]

In other news.. i'm hoping to hear about a birth sometime soon now. And I want to find out how my friend Siju fared in the class today.. it was going to be his first time there. Just to get another person's "reality" on the situation.

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*hugs* I hate inner monologue sometimes, don't you?

*nods*. It sucks even more when its internal feeling-logue.. no real voice, just an unsettling feeling that's constantly there. If it was just a voice, it would be easy to ignore. Ignoring feelings -- and paying attention to feelings at the same time -- is much harder.

That is true. Sometimes we have to ignore "false feelings" and try to figure out which ones are true.

"Guess what, the voice will always be there -- whatever I achieve, I will always be not-enough for my voice."

I can relate completely. My inner monologue usually goes something like this:
1. "You suck at your job."
2. "Your body looks disgusting."
3. "People don't really care that much for you, mostly they tolerate you."
4. "You let everyone walk all over you." (Well, voice in my head, what do you expect when you talk to me the way you do?!?!) :P

I'm starting to realize a few things about my problems with depression, things that should have been obvious to me long ago if I had paid closer attention. I'm working on some solutions, which I hope to have in play by the time my next depressive episode is due to arrive.

*nods*, i read that post. Good luck with that... its so much easier to manage things when the sources/causes are known.

I've struggled with inner voices. I still do. I'm managing to get them to shut up once in a while. Keep fighting them, arguing them down. Prove to yourself you are good at some things and that you are a good person.

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