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Why am I so taken with LiveJournal?
I've been finding within myself this urge.. to tell EVERYBODY.. about livejournal. Its almost disconcerting. Its funny. Yet, its so intense. Why is that?

*pause* *stillness*

The family system that I grew up in ... there was a lot of ick going on. My father was multiply addicted to several things, or else he was mentally ill, my mom was trying her damnedest to survive. My brother was trying to be a dad to me as well as all the crazy things that a teenager has to go through.

There wasn't a lot of time, or a lot of space, for a child to find what they were feeling, and, here's the important part: share it with others, and trust that they gave a shit.

So, if I look at the last 4 years of my life (the length of time I've been in recovery associated with the ick that I grew up in), its been a single-purpose journey: To discover who I was. What's really going on inside me, as opposed to my almost-automatic reactions to the outside world.

And now.. I know what's going on inside me. But what I haven't yet developed is: The trust that anybody else gives a shit about what's going on inside me.

Email is nice.. and Babble is nice.. these are people whom I've known for a long time. Sometimes, when something gets to be too big inside me, I dump it in that direction. Almost always, Heidi (good friend) responds.. I love her so much. Heidi, you're a most awesome friend. Sometimes Zan. Oh, it feels good to be loved.

But yet.. i still feel like I'm "dumping" in somebody's direction. Its still uncomfortable. I'm still left hanging inside, wondering, does anybody really give a shit? Or do they just think I'm stupid and wierd?

Now this place, on the other hand: ... seems to be directly aimed at ... well, not dumping really. But more just that ever flowing internal ocean of emotional currents, and happenings.. big and small. And from what I've seen of this place.. and what I've seen of people commenting on posts..

a. I can trust that people really do give a shit about whats going on inside me. They do want to know. If they get tired of my "rambling", they'll unbuddy me, and i'll have to learn to deal with that some day.

b. Now that I know what's going on inside me, I really do want people to share it with. I don't have a partner, and heck, I don't want to overburden a partner even if I had one.

c. I feel that I can trust that at *least* the two Gina's are obsessive enough that they will read my currents. And that makes it worth it enough to post it. Rest assured: I am taking the time to read yours. May not read the backlog, but I am reading the current ones.

This is so similar to another story..

I have a friend. She prefers her name be left out of stuff in general, so I'll call her Friendette. She and I have been friends, talking & sharing about meaningful stuff, for like 2-3 years now. In a way, I let her in, and that felt good.

But then, one day, at a social gathering at my place, I ended up sitting leaning back against her, and she gave me a backrub, and ... that felt wonderful.. but.. something un-clicked. See, she's a friend, but I have no desire to partner with her. Partly due to an age difference, partly, she'd drive me nuts.

A few days later, I got to tell her that i was uncomfortable about it.. and she was surprised a bit.. a few days later, I found out from her, the place she was at, she considers me a brother. She is *not* hunting me.

But yet.. there was this person, in this "sacred space", behind my barriers. I didn't know what to do with her, I don't often have people back here.

I saw her again within the last few days. She dropped by for something, and.. she asked me: "How are you". And I wanted to cry. .. and I told her that. And I grabbed my teddy bear, and I cried a bit.

See, what it is: I'm learning how to be vulnerable. She's a close friend. I *want* close friends. It is such a relief to let go and just accept people into my life.

When she left, we hugged, and I could say (and mean it): I'm so glad we reconnected.

See, its related. :]

Okey. Thank you, I love you, You are Beautiful.
Sunshine out.

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Public sense of self: exhilirating yet frightening

I know how you feel, Sunny. It's hard to gauge your LJ audience. Do they read to get to know the real you? Are they curious to see the machinations of someone else's mind? Would they prefer a book report of your day? Are they just looking for entertainment? As far as I can tell, it's all the above, plus other things I haven't been able to put into words. It's hard to know. It's hard to tell if your LJ is a very private public space or a very public private space. Never fear! You'll get the hang of it.

Sounds like you've been doing some difficult soul work. Lesser things than your difficult family situation have broken people--it's good to hear that you've been striving for some distance and perspective. As far as the work you still need to do, the venturing out into the world with your newly patched-together self and looking to others for proof of your worth, it's a frightening venture even for someone with a relatively healthy internal landscape. Writing is pretty good therapy, so keep at it, though I'm afraid you won't get much by way of "professional" help from your friends list. We can only offer our attention and comment when we can.

Wah! Back rubs are tricky. It's hard to know how to take those, esp. from the opposite sex. Still, good touch is so important, both to give and receive, that it's worth the risks. You may have gotten a mixed signal, or misinterpreted her intent. Sometimes a back rub is just a back rub, and if it was meant to be more, it's a pretty safe way to offer contact, but if the undercurrent of attraction isn't returned, it's easy to back off from. Sounds like you handled the tricky part of laying your emotional cards on the table well enough. Don't let yourself get too rattled, though; she didn't intend to cause you stress.

Sunny! Hey, I didn't even know you were on here until your post on Babble today. I hardly ever check my profile page - how long have you had me on your list? As you can tell, I've royally slacked off here. I post journal-like things in other venues, so it gets to be a bit much sometimes, repeating the same things in several places. I now have you on my list! *bounce*

It's great that we can all share things about ourselves in this format. Sharing things that are really deep and emotional get to be very difficult to share in person.

I also understand the backrubs thing. If someone who I am not interested in, in "that way" is giving me a back rub, I always feel like I'm on guard. It's just not completely comfortable.

And yes, I am compulsive enough to read my friends list. A lot ;)

Well, I, for one, am glad to have you in my this here circle. I've been wanting a better connection with you for a long time, but never could find a way that seemed natural. :)

Lots of love!

Hey, Sunny!

I finally got around to checking our your livejournal. I'm glad you got my reply to your vhbabble email--since YOU NEVER WROTE BACK!! That's okay, cuz now I know you read it. I love you, too. And I never think of your messages as dumping. Sometimes I have these great thoughts and self revelations like you do, too. But I don't have the guts to go and tell everyone about it. We're still waiting for you to visit us again in Texas sometime. Tell your mom to hook you up with someone down here. I think you'd feel at home.


*grins* yeah, it was heavy stuff.. i was processing it for quite a while.

wellp.. the girl is possibly in North Carolina. She's small 'n' kinda cute.. studying to be a Neurosurgeon. I don't know.. i'm not like, all pumped up about it this time. Its more like.. either she will inspire a better alternative to my single life, or, she won't. Depends a lot on her vibe.

I'm so glad you caught up to my LJ.

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