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Spirited Away, etc
Hey y'all. Just got back from watching Spirited Away.. and, wow. It understood it better, and enjoyed it more, this time. I'm not even going to try to explain it, but i did want to note the highlights for me tonight...

Spirited Away Things

  • When she ate the food that Haku gave her, and she started to cry.. I understood!.. its like getting spiritual nourishment when you've been down in the dumps.. like seeing a tearjerker movie when you've been sad. It all comes gurgling out, and it cleanses up your insides.
  • ... i just got a phone call from my friend Sara the one with a hole in her heart (except they filled it). Chatted with her for quite a while... she understands me. Thinking back to definitions of friendship.. she is. She's kinda stuck in the medical system right now, which is a life-sucking place.. but she's on her way, I hopes. I dunno, I have faith she'll pull through.
  • I feel like Sen. I feel so lost sometimes.. having to deal with a world which I don't understand, but yet having very little other choice.
  • I feel like Sen. I feel so confident in knowing what's right and what's true, and sticking with it, for myself.
  • I understand No-Face. Trying to fill the endless hole in themselves with other's essenses, and going crazy over it.
  • I feel like Haku. I know there's something very grand about me.. yet i seem to have forgotten what it was.. and then I fell hostage to life.. struggling to remember.. to break free.
  • I was very struck by the importance of word in the movie. Word was bond. I think that's probably true of the spirit world.. everything is so much about intention.
  • I wonder how much I had to work to get a train ticket to come to this world.
  • I think Rin is like the most beautiful, kick-ass, wonderful friend that anybody could ever want. And wow, if I don't feel, umm, a compatibility with her. I'm so much like Sen.. that .. yeah.

About Friends.

My buddy Steve showed up. He's a true friend. I understand him, I trust him with the tender parts of me. And he just.. shows up. He's so consistent.

Thinking about friendships.. there are other people who have recently been fairly big part of my life. Ed has been there.. when I was down in my worst. Steve has been there consistently. Siju has been there for me. Benny has been there for me. Audrey, when I look her up. Its been very very good.


I feel like there's a big change going on inside me. I can almost draw it..
  ------------+        (x) is unknown, not aware, conscious. 
      ()   (x)|->Y      Y is strived for outside myself.. in a desperate attempt to.. something. 
  ------------+        the idea is that Y could cancel (x) if only it could be attained.

         Named    X is named, discovered. Initially its a shock to find its presense. 
      ()   X      Things look very bleak.  Determined that Y outside of self is not really acquirable. 
          /       Depression ensues. 

(time passes)

     The foundations of X start to crack. 
     Y continues to dance out there, tempting, but any attempts to acquire Y with X present are
     doomed to failure. 
     if Y is left alone, very subtly, X starts to stagnate.

      ()  (X) |   Y    

  Y is observed as being directly linkable to () without the presense of X. 
  X is no longer needed for an equation. 
  All of a sudden, acquisition of Y looses its urgency... 
    Y is now a choice, as opposed to a dire emergency
  X=fat/unattractive, Y=skinny/cute
  X=shameful/horrible/not-worthy-of-life,  Y=vibrant,beautiful,desireable. 
  X=irresponsible, Y=have-everything-together
  X=too horrible to be male, Y=female acceptance and company 
and the list goes on and on and on...   

And then.. it eludes me. X is dissolving, and I'm okay with that, and wherever it is that my insides go, i'm okay with that. I do not want to go backwards; so forwards will have to be okay. I don't think I can coherently explain it more right now.. its all in patterns.. and if I put my thinking mind in there, i'm sure to screw it up.

So.. spirit: Thank you for this day. I accept where you would have me go. Please guide me in what to do. Thank you for giving me sustenance.

Possible Next Project

Its almost blasphemous to contemplate it, but i was thinking ... this week, i trained my cute little ass off for the tournament. I would not have done it if there was no tournament, nor will I do it after the tournament. For it, i needed bulk, muscle, and power. And I set out to get it.

I wonder what would happen if, say, I set the goal that my halloween costume were to be a fire-juggler-type, bare chested and all? Meaning, to go in the other direction: workout, eat less, loose weight, and trim up? With my current muscle structure, but at like 10-15 lbs lighter, i would be, um, quite a juicy morsel. And as I'm starting to see myself like that internally.. just aware of my goodness, not needing the label X=fat and Y=skinny

Between now and October is.. 4 months. Hmm. I may not be able to keep it up for a lifetime.. but maybe I could for four months? Is there a, um, fashion show I could enter or something that would give me that added little "boost"?

Okay. Enough. Lots of thoughts/patterns in my head.. glad I could get them out somehow, and i can trust that y'all accept me for the insane crazy yet cute and lovable person that I am.. I need to get some spagetti+sauce going so I can eat so I can have extra energy for tomorrow. If anybody wants to watch, it'll be at Leeds workout center on campus sometime after 12:00 -- i'm in the 3rd group of contestants, towards the end, so probably after 1 or 2, even.



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