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2011: Birthday ruminations... 40!
running
sunnywiz
Whee! Today is my birthday. As always, on my birthday, i seem to slow down and reflect. Drives my wife nuts.. "Honey what do you want to do on your birthday?" "Nuttin." "Nap."

Well, thanks to my beautiful wife, we got out of the house and had breakfast at Wild Eggs.. Delicious. The Maria-something-something-con-lime-something-chile .. very good. And hot. Yum.

But now, i've had a nice 1 hour nap in a hammock, followed by another hour of sitting in bed, just .. feeling.. and I think I'm feeling pretty good.

#1. Am I bothered by it being my 40th year?
Nope, not really. I am almost releaved, actually. I knew I was getting "older", and as desiderata says, I needed to give up "childish ways", and I mentally chalked up "end of childhood" to 35. 40 kinda puts a nail in the coffin .. Yep, i'm about half way through "productive" life (given an average life span of a diabetic? I hope that once I get old, i go from really alive to dead quickly, i don't want to linger). It feels like, now that I'm 40, i have white in my beard, etc -- i can surrender and say, "yes, i'm no longer a young pup", and give myself permission to switch lenses. Take care more of my diet, my body, not try as hard, etc.

Really?
Well.. maybe I'm depressed. And I'm "bargaining" (which for me comes before anger in the DABDA).

You seem to do a birthday post every year.
Yes. And its really fun to see where I was a year ago, and to get a feel as to where I thought I was going. Here's from last year: [link]. I was all jazzed about exercise.

Well, I did it. Everything on my race list, I did. And then I did more... RAGBRAI.. and now I'm slated for the Nov 12 half marathon. But now.. its really hard to get myself out there to run. Meh. I'm still going to run or walk the marathon, regardless of if I train or not.

Diabetes Type II

I guess right now I'm a bit down. Here's why: A year ago, my A1c was around 5.7. 6 months later, 5.3. And now, back up to 6.0.
Why? Because I let go my focus, and allowed myself to eat like a normal person.. instead of like a type II diabetic. And damn it, my body does NOT respond normally to carbs. I keep missing that point.

Here's a good article on "normal":
http://www.phlaunt.com/diabetes/14046621.php

Here's some pretty pictures on insulin release phases:
http://www.phlaunt.com/diabetes/16422495.php

I re-upped my stock of testing supplies, so I can monitor the sh*t out of my blood sugar levels. And while perhaps the General Tso's chicken + 1/2 cup of white rice was not the best thing to start with, i can tell you this: After eating a soft pretzel at a ball game, my blood sugar level shoots up to 180+ or so. And there's that little thing called "glucose toxicity" which I wasn't aware of a year ago.. something about, "above 140, your beta cells die when they try to reproduce". Beta cells = givers of insulin.

Anyhoo. My mission, at this point: Keep my blood sugar below 140. I'm not going to kvetch about all the foods I can or cannot eat.. as my sponsor Ray once said, about cake: "I've had many years to eat as much cake as I wanted". I just need to keep my blood sugar below 140. And not have a cow about Phantom Hypos. (cant find the link, but basically, i'll feel icky, try to compensate.. but the "feeling" is relative, so i can't trust it, i really need to test before i take action, and btw, based on what i'm on, as long as i'm not injecting insulin, i will NOT get a Hypo).

I'm going to go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting tonight. I don't know that its for me, but i can say this: I'm currently very aware of how my mind "forgets" that some things are bad for me, and I might need help staying true to my reality. Since I do all this other recovery stuff, I might as well see if that tool, that accountability, perspective derived from group sharing, is useful for me.

Running

Feh.

Work

Love it. Agile! New technologies! A team! Reasonable Client! And I get my birthday off! Hence this post!


I think i'm running out of stuff to say. So.. yerp. Happy Birthday to me! Another year older! Halfway through life! Angry and frustrated at myself, yet determined!
And keeping it real.

?

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